Episode 03: How many friends do you have?

The discussion revolves around the topic of friendship and how to build meaningful friendships. The participants touch upon various aspects, such as the importance of physical connection, the evolution of friendships, the value of consistency in communication, and the flexibility needed in maintaining relationships. They emphasize the significance of making an effort to connect with others and listening as a way to build respect and relationships. The conversation encourages people to take the initiative and start building friendships over coffee or simple gatherings.

Hello, this is Bonded Voices. The topic tonight is How many friends do you have?
And this is Loren.
This is Greg,
Not me. And yeah, so how many friends do you have? So,
what got me thinking was, you know, you,
we go through life when we wonder,
we got family and we keep telling people about friends,
and then we tell ’em about people all the time. We got best friends,
but what’s a best friend? What’s a friend? And I,
I think for most people,
they probably couldn’t quantify what either of those things actually are.
So I’ll give you an example and we can sort of riff off this is
how do you greet someone? Is how you greet someone, a key to who, how,
what sort of a friend they are. But do you greet everybody the same,
whether they’re an acquaintance or a friend? And then along the lines of like,
what makes ’em a friend? What is it you do together,
share together or have shared what makes ’em a friend?
I can definitely go off the how you greet ’em. I know that, uh, for the,
the people that I’m closer with, I give ’em a hug. I don’t care who you’re, I,
I hug them, shake their hand, hug them. Uh,
the people that are more of just an acquaintance, I definitely shake their hand.
You know, always stand up, shake someone’s hand. Mm-hmm. But other than that,
like, I don’t know. I don’t haven’t really thought about how I, so, so
Interestingly LA no one acknowledges anybody. Right.
It’s really a strange situation. When we moved here to Scottsdale,
I would drive down the street and hand up to wave and my kids were like,
do you know them? Like, no. You waving thumb. Right. They’re acquaintances.
They may be people, you know, in the neighborhood.
You don’t wave at everybody ’cause you’re thinking kind of strange, right? But,
um, people who’ve seen in the neighborhood, you don’t maybe know their name.
Wait, if,
if I met someone who was a neighbor who I shared nothing with,
it would be a handshake. Right? I not, don’t do the p**s bump much.
Never Were look like that. ’cause I think it’s too disconnected.
And then a hug would be a hug pat on the back sort of thing would be for someone
who is a, a real friend and definitely someone who I would call my best friend.
It’d be definitely be that. And I think that, and people might be Oh,
who caress? I, I think it does matter because I think you are able to, you know,
there’s that, what’s that saying? Saying, um,
show me the friends and I’ll show you the man or mm-hmm.
Or something along that lines. Right. Right. So,
and your friends are who you are. Like,
if you go hang out with a bunch of thieves and robbers, oh,
We tell the kids that all the time. Right. You’re gonna be judged as the whole,
not as an individual. Right.
Well, I wonder, so do the thieves hug each other?
’cause you gotta worry about fingerprints. No, they do.
You’ve gotta worry about
Absolutely. So, because they’re friends. Right.
And that goes back to what we talked about in one of the, the last episode,
right. Which is they’re connected with values and their values align. Sure,
Sure. Very true. I, I think there’s something to that physical connection.
’cause if you,
and all kinds of studies have been done where if you actually touch someone
and there’s a stronger bond with that individual as well,
we’re all blessed with households of people.
And so an embrace in my household is not difficult to come by. Right. However,
I do realize that many of the people that I run into on a daily basis,
that might not be the case. But if you embrace them, you give them a hug,
man, that changes the changes the topic. And to your point, Lauren. Yeah.
I don’t do, I don’t, there is a,
there is a line somewhere arbitrarily in my mind on who gets a hug and who
doesn’t.
Yeah. And I think it should be though, right? Sure. Uh, um, and,
and I think about it ’cause you know,
the church talks about laying on of hands and how powerful it is to actually,
especially when you pray with someone, touch someone. Mm-hmm. Um, and when you,
when someone’s sick, you touch them to heal ’em. Right. So there’s that is,
is definitely a big part of it.
So I was just gonna throw in there, it’s funny. Um,
so in the juujitsu world, we all end every class where you line up,
you know, say, Hey, good job to everyone but you,
you give ’em a hug as you Wow. Everyone that you, it is a shared experience,
a shared combat. It’s this, you, you know, Hey,
it’s one of those things that say, Hey, we’re not mad.
Whatever happened in class happened. Right, right. You know,
there’s no hard feelings about anything. And those are people that I will hug,
but I will not, I may not know their name,
So. Sure. So this is like guys, friends with guys. Right. It it,
it’s interesting that, because I remember distinctly from my late teens,
a girl gave me a hug and patted me on the back. And a buddy of mine was like,
you have no chance with her. She’d give you the, the pat on the back.
So that’s
The opposite sex, right. That’s the side different with the opposite sex. Right.
That’s if it’s, if it’s the back rub.
Got it. Okay. Or it’s the race
Or it’s the, ah,
Well that’s fascinating. But before we go there, I’m,
I’m thinking back to one of the things that connected the three of us was the
little league world.
And for a period of time there was no handshaking after the games
because of the fear of spreading any, you know,
infections or whatever it might be. And that to me was,
I struggled with that mentally. Yeah. ’cause I think there’s value in,
you go back to your jiujitsu conversation of you square up with someone,
you compete with them,
but then there’s also the mutual respect of that was a great battle.
I appreciate you. Thank you.
Exactly. Exactly.
And, and when the, when the handshake was removed from youth sports altogether,
I’m glad that we have deviated back to shaking hands after the
competition.
And I think it just shows how important it was all along that what we went
through with Covid was removed all of that physical connection and people
now realize how powerful and how strong it is. And, and,
and it’s probably back even stronger than it was before.
I know it is with a lot of my guy friends who
had the same feeling to me with it,
that there was something wrong about the disconnection.
Well, even our, our coffee group, right. Everyone,
they’re welcomed with a, a hug. Right. Right.
What’s what’s fascinating is that when somebody walks in,
the group stands up, she’s respectful, gives a hug, absolutely respectful.
So in listening to different podcasts and reading different topics,
it’s fascinating the how you’re greeted when you come home
and that respect part. So when you come home,
obviously the dog’s gonna jump up and come running. Yeah. Which,
which is quote unquote man’s best friend, but your significant other,
are they just peeking their head over the couch? Hey, what’s up?
Or does somebody get up embrace, Hey, how was your day? Oh,
I, and I think that’s a telling sign and the kids can see it as well,
is whether you have a healthy marriage and a healthier relationship. Mm-hmm.
If there’s that connection when they walk, come home, either of you Right.
You or the wife. Um,
But what about us that never leave the home? We work from house. Right.
So we never have Well
Then you better be on alert all the time. Exactly.
But then you do it in the morning. Right?
True. Very true. Yeah.
’cause you know, I get outta bed usually just before the wife does.
And then you definitely a hug and a kiss before get on with coffee and
everything else and before people go off to work. Sure. Yeah.
So, and I think that’s important.
So along the lines of friends, what’s the transition to brother?
See now, interestingly,
the people have said that biblically to court,
or not even just biblically, but I think even in the Roman culture,
to call someone brother meant that you were willing to bequeath
them what you had.
It was a line that you crossed to say, you are that special to me.
That if anything happens to me, you’ll take care of this for me.
Whatever that was. Whether, and probably back then it was the family
Of course. You
Know?
Wow.
You know, so that, that that that, that brother became a,
a big deal at that point in time. Mm-hmm. Um, and you know,
you know, staying on track with the whole idea of, you know,
how many friends do you have and what makes a friend and yeah.
These are all important things to think about. You know,
for all the people listening, it’s a case of like, about like,
how many people do I hug every day? Mm-hmm.
How many people who I think are friends will only gimme a handshake now?
Is it ’cause they’re awkward or do they just not consider me that close a
friend?
I
so does society outside of our group really like, you know,
guys are supposed to be guys. And so, you know,
hugging them does that is that looked down upon as, as society. Oh,
You’re soft because you hug them. Yeah.
You’re,
No, I think it’s, I think it’s another, it’s another barrier. Right?
This way I look at it, if, if a wave is like, hey,
you imagine you are walking down the hallway in the office, a wave is like,
yeah, maybe. No you don’t, no,
you whatever handshake would be start of the meeting something more important.
But you wouldn’t hug a work colleague who you just
share work stuff with
unless you shared something more than that
To make Well, it’s shared experience. Sure. Right. Yeah.
If you worked on a huge project together and you became bonded over that
project. Yeah.
Right. Going back to, yeah. That shared experience. Right. See,
because I would even suggest getting a,
and I’ve even done this before for myself,
concent circles like a big target.
The middle’s family, then it’s friends,
then it’s acquaintances, and then it’s everybody else, right? Mm-hmm.
Work everything, that sort of stuff or, and acquaintances fall into work.
But it’s interesting if you took someone’s name Pete and went, Hmm.
He’s not family. So is he a friend or an acquaintance? And,
and sum them up to see. And because you can probably then say, well,
is Pete the sort of guy who I could share more with and graduate that to be in a
friendship?
Um, I’m only laughing ’cause you’re in theory you’re moving people up and down
as and B’s. So to your point on,
are there some people that you might move up?
Then there’s also people that you might move down as you go through different
phases of life.
We all had the best buddy back in grade school or
middle school that maybe you’ve lost contact with that person over the years.
Yeah. And I, I think even you could even look at it in those terms of,
I have a friend who’s probably closer to me than my,
one of what a co a couple of my brothers at least.
And that may be cruel to hear. Right. But I shared, I’ve shared more,
especially since childhood with this person than with my brothers.
And family’s always gonna be family. But I think, you know, you don’t,
you give giving your family, you don’t choose ’em. And I’ve always said,
you should have to work harder with your family. But, you know,
I think there’s a lot of people saying, yeah,
I’ve got a brother that we’re really not that good of friends.
Well we’ve got a sister, but we’re not that close, is the way people use it.
Mm-hmm. But they’re not, they’re probably not friends. They don’t share things.
And then my mother didn’t talk to one of her sisters for years.
Yeah. I I couldn’t have fallen that, uh, category myself.
I I think went years without talking to my brother. Right. But it, it wasn’t,
uh, I mean it was technically by choice ’cause I didn’t reach out. But,
um, there’s an year difference in age.
So when I was in my teenage years and he was in his, you know,
twenties and thirties, it’s, we didn’t have a lot in common.
And he lived in a state, you know, miles away.
So it wasn’t like we got to see each other. Right. A lot. Um, but I do now,
like with my brother and sister that are older. Um,
and I won’t say how much older, but uh, I already said my brother nevermind. Um,
but you know,
I’m trying to connect with them more and more and their kids because I,
you know Yeah. I,
I’m one of those people that didn’t naturally go out and have that family
connection. Mm-hmm. So,
So some people may ask, right. How,
why is it important to count on your friendship? Have,
maybe it isn’t, but I, I I look at life and say to myself again,
back to that idea of you show me your friends, show you the man. Mm-hmm.
And I think in that, in that instance,
if you have a large group of quality friends that says a lot about
you. And, uh, I even this year especially, you know,
following on from the promises made New Year’s Eve,
one of them was to build better friendships. Mm-hmm. Um,
and then I started to think when we were thinking of these topics and, um, the,
the coffee sessions,
people I hug every week are probably friends. People I could call,
ask ’em to do something, do something. They’d be there for you.
They can share conversations, lean on them, all that.
And so that’s the part of the addition for me is like,
is it five a week or you know,
a month or is it two and is too good enough?
Or do you need ?
I I think that depends on a lot of different factors.
I think it comes down to personality types. Yeah. There’s the, the idea of, uh,
the term still waters run deep.
So there’s some people that might have three friends that just
unbelievably rock solid and they’re full with three. Right.
And those relationships might meet a or reach a different level than someone
that might say they have or close friends.
And I think that comes down to individual perception. And what is that?
We talked a,
a a little bit outside of one of these podcasts about the in depthness of
conversation and connecting with people. Right.
Uh, I think that’s one of the elements that makes a friendship. Well,
Sure I can personal experience. Last week I had, um,
my son went in for surgery. I reached out to two guys. It was you two. Right?
Right. So I mean, I have definitely have more friends, right.
But everyone in the, the,
the friend circle and I have different friend circles everywhere, but like,
people that I would want to talk to about things would be you
two. So,
Uh, so I was just thinking this, right. We, because I think all of us have
multiple groups of friends that,
like you showed us your texts earlier from other friends. Right.
I dunno if I’ve ever met any of them or probably that outside. And you know,
I have friends outside of that. Um, I still have people,
if I met who I haven’t seen in years in Australia,
I heard up ’cause I’d hug ’em. ’cause that’s, they’re a friend. Sure. You know,
I’ve got a buddy in San Diego who when we go this weekend, if I see him,
I’ll hug him.
Me and him shared a bond that is a friendship for life sort of thing.
And, and so everyone has those multiple circles. But, you know, for,
for those people who, who don’t, okay, how do you get started?
How do you build friends?
’cause there’s one thing to talk about how many friends you have,
but how do you get there? Like let’s say you’re someone who’s like,
I don’t have a lot of friends.
So I think that’s a fascinating topic. And Lauren,
I know you want to jump in on this one, but I’m gonna catch you off. So
This group,
the friendship amongst the three of us has tremendously matured.
Yeah. Over the period of this, of , quite honestly,
I still would’ve and did hug you guys when I saw you still
that connection, still that embrace. But the weekly experience,
the development of, you know what,
I’m walking a similar path to these guys and they’re listening to me and I’m
listening to them. And this is really becoming very important and valuable.
And so I think to your point, Ian is
building your own group and,
and not necessarily that you have to start out with your,
your best friend from your childhood. No,
It doesn’t. Absolutely. Yeah. Because, because things times change. Right.
Well, I think and, and no knock on anyone in the group,
we weren’t like really close
No. Until this year. Correct.
In December of last year, we were, we knew each other, we would hug each other.
Mm-hmm. Say, Hey, how’s it going? We had the shared experience,
but what’s transpired over the last eight,
eight months now has been nothing short of a,
like a metamorphosis of a small. So,
So let’s look at the elements in that. One of ’em has been a,
a commitment to doing things and holding those commitments.
What are other elements would we throw in there as being elements that people
could look at and say, ah,
maybe this person who I talk with a lot is more of a friend than I’m considering
them to be.
So this might not hit exactly on that topic,
but one of the things that I think is very valuable within our group is
the weekly reach from somebody within the group saying,
does Wednesday morning work for everybody? Right.
And we slack for that by,
Yeah. And it’s great. Uh, Ian’s I think Ian set it up,
wonder if you guys set it up. Uh, and it’s, it’s worked wonderful.
There’s all kinds of channels, what have you, but that,
that notification in and what I’m driving at is rather than
we’re gonna pound a stake into the ground and say we’re always meeting Thursday
mornings, nine o’clock at this location. Right.
The benefit of weekly check-in. And we’ve moved the location a few times.
We’ve moved days.
Sometimes the benefit of the weekly check-in is that it keeps it top of mind.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it doesn’t allow someone to say, ah, I’m just gonna make it next week.
I’ll just make it next week. And, and,
And there’s no one dominant within it where it’s like they’re always setting the
date. They’re always setting the location. They’re all,
and I think that’s probably, again, one of the keys to it is flexibility.
Mm-hmm. So, you know,
I think good friendships always come down to good flexibility. And you,
if someone can’t make it one week, or let’s say you had a, let’s say you and I,
Lauren were gonna meet for coffee, and I said, ah, I can’t make it this Friday.
You don’t get super let down by that because part of being good friends is
allowing for that.
Right.
You know, people not to always be a hundred percent consistent. Mm-hmm.
Well, life happens, right? Yes. Right.
So you have to be able to be flexible enough for that.
Yeah.
Because I, you know,
I remember talking to the kids about how friendships change and I Ally would
always say to me like, oh, isn’t they’re not friends anymore.
I wonder what happened. I’d be like, I, what happens when your kids,
you go from these friends to those friends to them friends Right.
To work where you get isolated and most of the people you not work with,
you think of as friends. And our office has said sometimes we’re a family.
I’m like, oh no, we’re not. Because when you,
when when they have a riff at work, a reduction in force,
you don’t fire your kids and be like, kids, pack your bags. You know? Right.
It’s been great. We’re downsizing. You know, you know, so,
but I think it’s important to be, to give people a few of those markers and say,
okay, how many friends do you have? How do you make those friends?
What are the things to look for? But I think o overall and you know,
close to rapid this topic up is you gotta try something.
Right.
And so what are the, and
Make it easy. Don’t,
don’t schedule something in the middle of the day where everybody has to rush
through Right. To, you know, deal fight traffic. To get to a,
make an effort to make it easy
is what would be my recommendation. Yeah.
I I think that if inconvenience yourself for someone else,
shows someone that you are, you are making that effort.
And I think that can lead to a good friendship
And always be able to listen. Yeah. ’cause a lot of times I think that’s the,
everyone’s got a story to tell.
I think that might be one of the keys on why this group has tightened up.
Because when you’re sitting there and there’s three or four people,
there’s multiple voices,
but you have to be quiet and listen instead of breaking
off. You and I Lauren breaking off into a conversation,
leaving the coffee shop table to go have another conversation. No,
our group stays together right around the table,
and so the conversations come back to center.
There might be a side conversation, but then it comes back to center
And listening shows respect. Absolutely. So,
and respect builds relationships and relationships, friendships. So yeah. They,
they’ll all be parts of it.
Yeah. I think the underlying message,
if we can convey to you is just find
someone to go grab a cup of coffee, start asking people.
We have invited a lot of people, some have not shown,
some people have made it more of an effort to come.
Some have come a few times and then decided that this wasn’t the right gig.
And Ian mentioned early on, people are gonna figure out their own way. Yeah.
So don’t overthink it in the beginning.
Yeah. And just take that first step, get started and,
and it’ll take you in places you never dreamed. Yeah. So that’s, um,
rapid for our episode on, you know, how many friends have you got?
Until next time. We’ll, we’ll see you on the next episode.